Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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