My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
