You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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