by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
