woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
