You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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