end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
