my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
