remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
