Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
