just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I believe in your delicious
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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