I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
