Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
