The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
