Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
