I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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