Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
there's paper in my vomit.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I don't deserve a penis
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
