OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
