so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
