I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Randomize
