last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My underwear smells like fireworks.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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