im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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