I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
