ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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