Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
