I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
