I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
