do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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