It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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