I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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