Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
