The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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