how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
