If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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