Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
