I just threw up on my dentist
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
