my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
