Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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