I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
sex in a hospital.. check
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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