i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
