I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Randomize
