I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
