literally had 100 drinks last night.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
