I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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