I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
