were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
