I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
