I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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