Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
