I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Will exercising make me less horny?
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