dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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